What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 16:24
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What is the irony of life according to you?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What makes a woman attractive?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
How did you adjust to civilian life after your military service in the British Army?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She found it foreign!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.